Rediscovering Self Love

Quite a few years ago now…how I lost and found myself…

There was a time when my days were filled with emptiness and apathy…you could also label it depression, but for me it was also a lack of self love and unresolved trauma. I knew there was something missing. It became quite apparent to me once I entered motherhood. For me this was a major deconstruction of who I was, or more accurately who I thought I was supposed to be. I willingly sacrificed so much of myself for my children…as did my mother and my grandmothers before me. I lost touch with myself, with my needs, wants, passion, desires. I was so lost, that soon I had forgotten about the very things I loved to do in my life. I was being so hard on myself, judging myself, constantly seeing where I was not good enough, lacking or could have been better.

It took years of self-reflection, meditation and trauma healing for me to rediscover my passions and what I loved to do in life. And learning how to love myself wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Firstly I learnt how to simply slow down each day. I stopped comparing myself to others, and realised my pace was my pace. I could no longer live up to the harsh expectations I placed upon myself fuelled by the belief that I was not enough. This change was huge! And the tiny seeds of self-love were finally given the space to bloom. Awareness of  my negative and destructive thoughts increased. There was so much self- judgement, and at the crux of it all and the words “I’m not enough” just kept repeating. I surrendered and allowed all my inner thoughts space and validation…..to just be. To simply love and accept what is. The resistance was always the barrier to freedom. Soon I started to hear myself say “I am enough, I was born enough and I will always be enough”.

Through the rediscovering process I went to many healing retreats, sound journeys, and released my built up frustrations through primal dance. I started to feel safe again to explore creative possibilities and share myself with the world. I remembered my love of music and picked up my guitar. I started a women’s full moon healing circle and reconnected with like hearted women in the community. I discovered my voice. And I allowed it to be. An extremely empowering experience.

I was beginning to feel the safe space within emerge for new and bolder creative endeavours. I felt safe to try and safe to fail, knowing this path was mine to create and learn from. An outlet for my creativity had been aching and bursting at the seams to come to life. My love cup was filling up with all these acts of kindness. I no longer felt like I was running on empty or merely surviving each day. I was beginning to thrive and enjoy life once again and the sparkle in my eyes that was momentarily lost returned.

It’s been many years now and I can only look back with complete gratitude for this journey, as it allowed me to open up to a much richer path of possibilities and discoveries. I find myself still shedding old beliefs daily, continuing on the path to healing my trauma with loving awareness and compassion, and choosing new positive, peaceful thoughts that are based upon self-love. This blossoming is what brought me back to a passion of mine that was long forgotten – a passion for spontaneous creativity.  It’s an natural innate flow of expression that courses through my veins. I began to envision inspirational images in my minds eye…I saw visions of delicate beauty that flowed seamlessly with nature. A primal soul adorned with magical jewels, in touch with the rhythm of life’s cycles. She danced in ecstasy and joy under the moon, by the fire, with the gentle earth caressing her feet. Always grounded and connected to the earth. Her flowing skirt shimmery by the light of the moon, a smoky haze accentuated her softness, dust kicked up from the ground like a million sparkling stars. Her inner light illuminated, and she shines both inside and out. 

I found my passion creating imagery infused with my love, with the hope of inspiring others to follow their passions. This rippling effect has brought me great joy and this expression flows so effortlessly through me. I feel like a painter, painting the canvas that is my body, adorning it with precious pieces of beautifully crafted clothing, magical jewels and gems. I am transformed through this process. This is my alchemy. And where my blog was born from.

Our imagery, co-created with my husband Bobby, has been forever evolving with us, and reflects the way we see the world; through a lens of magic and beauty. We are now captivated by nature’s immense beauty and love to capture landscapes, sharing our love of this precious earth and all it’s beautiful beings.

With love, light and gratitude,

Helen  xx

© All images and text Helen Janneson Bense 2021

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